Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone
by SecretBeauty-NM-LM
Summary: A parody of Harry and his first year adventures with Ron and Hermione. Not everything goes along with the book and movie, but some things do. Please review.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: If you don't have an open minded sense of humor this story is not for you. What I've done is basically taken parts from the fist movie and book and spoofed them a little. I acknowledge that I have no right or claim to any of the characters or places mentioned and am just doing this for entertainment purposes.

If you still seem to have a problem, get in your car (or take a cab) get out a a beautiful scenic cliff side (don't for get to thank or tip your driver) go to the edge, take your last breath of fresh air as you proceed to jump off. Thank you.

* * *

----Night had fallen upon Private Drive. Street lamps glowing upon the heavy mist gave the illusion of a yellow brick road, except the tall figure that seemed to appear out of no where, wasn't on his way to the Emerald City; he was on his way to number four Private Drive. He gave an inward laugh at the street name. Reaching into his robes, he pulled out a silver instrument. Aiming it at the nearest street lamp, he gave a good toss, knocking out the first light; then it boomeranged around to the others. Catching it once more, he blew and wiped his fingers on his robes, then placed it back in his robes. 

Looking down, he noticed a cat scratching and licking itself. "Yo!" the old man called down. The cat looked up at him. Standing on it's hind legs it began to change form into an elderly woman. "What have I told you about licking yourself?!" McGonnagle, the cat, looked down. "Sorry Dumbledore. Damnit!" Taking out her wand she began to remove the left over fur on her lower, lower torso. "So are the rumors true Albus?" she asked. "Yes. Voldemort was seen wearing a pink bra and G-string."

"No no. About the Potter boy."

"Oh! Yes. The good and the bad." He began walking further down the street.

"The good?" McGonnagle asked.

"Yes. Voldemort filled his monthly murder quota. He should be at rest for a bit." He sighed and smiled. "Then what's the bad?" McGonnagle pressed on. "Have you been to the Potter's?!" he cried. "Voldemort painted the house with Lily and James!"

Just then a loud roaring noise filled the night air, followed by the sound of backfire. Landing with surprising grace, McGonnagle held up a score card with a perfect ten. "Hagrid!" she smiled. Slipping off the bike, the extremely tall form of Rubeus Hagrid stepped forward. "Woah!" he cried, noticing the hand gun Dumbledore had pulled on him. "Put that away Albus!" McGonnagle scolded. "Sorry," he apologized, pocking the gun. "I thought it was another gang war."

"I would have been here sooner if I hadn't gotten an F.U.I." Hagrid rolled his eyes. They stared at him blankly. "Flying Under the Influence," he informed. "Where's the baby," Dumbledore asked. "Right here," he reached down into the attached side car and pulled out a little bundle. "Little tyke threw up just as we were flying over Bristol. The Berlin football team won." He handed the sleeping baby over to him. Dumbledore took out a piece of paper from his robes and tucked it into the folds of the blanket. It read: 'Umm, this is yours.' Placing the baby on the step he rang the doorbell and they all ran, laughing.

----Ten years later----

----That baby, now a boy known as Harry Potter woke up to the sound of a door rattling. "Get up!" his aunt knocked on his bedroom door. It wasn't so much a room as a storage closet for certain types of…erm…toys. As he was about to get up his fat cousin Dudley, a fat little boy resembling a pig with blond hair, flung open the door shoved something in Harry's mouth, took a picture and ran off. Removing the item, he gave it a look to see what it was and tossed the certain item aside. "Very funny…"

Entering the kitchen, he rubbed his scar. "Oh will you get off that already?!" Aunt Petunia scolded. "I wouldn't have the stupid thing if Uncle Vernon could see past his stomach and not have stepped on me with his golf cleats!" Harry retorted. Aunt Petunia gave a venomous stare and pointed at the cooking bacon. Doing his usual morning routine, Dudley ran into the living room to count his birthday presents. "How many are there?" he demanded of his dad. "Thirty-six, counted them me' self," he smiled. "Thirty-six?! But last year I had thirty-seven!" Dudley shouted, outraged. "Well some of them are a bit bigger than last year," Uncle Vernon tried to reason. When Dudley continued to complain, Harry interjected. "I'll tell you what," he began, "How about I take one of your gifts and break it over your head? That way you'll have thirty-eight." They all glared at him. Harry sighed and shrugged in a well-I-tried sort of way and continued cooking the bacon. "Fine," Uncle Vernon patted his son's cheek. "While we're out today at the zoo, we'll buy you two new presents."

"Or to save money-"

"Enough boy!"

Hopping in the car, Harry and found himself on his way to the zoo. Arriving, a gust of wind picked up a school girls skirt. "I love you," Harry said as if in a trance, beginning to follow her. "Boy!" Uncle Vernon shouted, getting his attention back.

----Entering the Reptile House, Dudley ran right to a glass cage with a boa in it, pressing his pig snout against the glass. Grossed out by the strings of snot also being pushed onto the glass; Harry began to concentrate on how much he wished the glass was clean. As soon as this thought occurred, the glass disappeared. Shocked, Dudley let out a scream as he fell in. "Sweet!" gaped Harry.

"What happened?!" Uncle Vernon roared.

"What?" Harry exclaimed, trying to loosen his uncle's grip on his ear. "Aside from me being grossed out? Ah!" he was thrown to the ground as Uncle Vernon went to help Dudley. Noticing a presence next to him, Harry looked over to find him self face to face with the escaped boa. For a while they seemed as if to be in a staring contest, for neither blinked while they wondered what would happen next. The snake suddenly grinned, sprouted two hands to give him thumbs-up and slithered off. Shaking his head in hopes of some clarity, Harry followed the family out to the car.

"I told you!" Harry continued to proclaim, "Dudley had goobered the glass all up and it was grossing me out so I wished really hard that the glass was clean and it disappeared. It was like magic!"At that word, Uncle Vernon became more enraged. "There's no such thing as magic!" he spat, shoving him into the closet. "Try telling that to David Blaine," Harry muttered to himself. Wincing, he didn't even bother to see what he landed on. Not even expecting dinner, he just laid back and went to sleep.

----Awaking the next morning, Harry snuck out of his room and down the hall to the front door, where the mail lay in waiting. Harry always made sure to wake early the third Saturday of the month because this was when the bills were delivered and Harry loved to steam open the seams and change the numbers, especially on the electric bill because with each high bill another one of Dudley's electronics would get taken away. Rifling through the letters he noticed an off color on and it was...addressed to him! Mr. Harry Potter, A Certain Room Under the Stairs, 3 Private Drive. Reading it over and over, making sure his eyes wenrn't just playing a trick on him he finally went to open it. Just then the sound of bowling balls thundered down the hall steps. Dudley was awake.

"Oh no you don't!" he shouted grabbing at the pile. "I know you're not checking for bombs! You're tampering with the bills and that's illegal," he gave a smug knowing smile. "No," Harry corrected, "What is illegal here is your face." He laughed, slapping his knee. "You have the right not to remain ugly. You fail!" He began to laugh even harder. "Burn!" he pointed at Dudley. Still laughing, he went back to opening his letter. Dudley gasped. Grabbing the letter he began hopping back up the stairs. Harry stopped to watch him for a second. It was amazing how fast he could master the stairs. It was like watching an over weight mountain goat. Finally giving chase up the stairs Harry stopped next to Dudley at Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon's door. "Mum! Dad!" Dudley shouted. "Harry's got a letter!" They came bursting out of their room each grabbing for the letter. "What is it?" Harry asked, frowning. "Nothing," Aunt Petunia managed to reply after several horror struck moments. "Just a magazine subscription," she took the letter and headed down stairs, Uncle Vernon and Dudley following.

----Standing in the living room doorway, Harry saw that Uncle Vernon was burning the letter. Just then, a loud rumbling noise filled the room as it began to shake. Hundreds of letters began to our down the chimney into...the fire. When all was quiet again, Harry could hear feint voices arguing on the roof. "Idiot! You were only supposed to drop a few letters! Now they're all burning!" The voice sounded oddly like a 'hoot'.

More letters began continued to come that day. Aunt Petunia set to baking, what she usually did when she was stressed, only to crack open the eggs to have letters pop out. She got out the milk which was liquid when she held it but as she went to pour, letters spilled out. After that, she went to Vernon.

Enraged, and turning a new shade of red Crayola hadn't even invented yet, Vernon began packing suitcases a throwing them in the car. Finally herding everyone in the car he started it up and squealed out of the drive down the street.

----After several hours of driving, they finally came upon a dilapidated shanty on a rough stretch of rocky beach. Yelling at everyone to get out and grab their things, Uncle Vernon stormed up to the shanty door and pounded on it. A few moments later, a confused looking Cuban came to the door. "Can I help you?" he asked, with each word, cigar smoke filtered out. "We want a room, any room!" the Cuban looked Uncle Vernon over before shrugging why-not and led them to the rock edge. "Hop on," he said. "What?"! Uncle Vernon sounded outraged, looking down at the raft and the raging sea. "Don't worry," the keeper aided. "This thing got me all the way from Cuba to here. With that, he placed the cigar back in his mouth and took the luggage.

All the way across, Uncle Vernon let out little whimpers and Aunt Petunia clung to Dudley with white face and knuckles. Harry meanwhile just laid on his back hoping to be swept off.

Finally arriving at the shabby looking hut on the rocks, the keeper was nice enough to help them with their luggage. When they were all situated Harry heard the keeper shout, "I'm coming Elian!" as he paddled away on the raft.

----Night cam quickly. When all were tucked into bed or on the couch, Harry sat awake, staring out the window, looking at the moon when he jumped. Dudley's watch beeped mid-night.Harry stopped following the moon's position when he realized that he could have just looked at Dudley's watch. Drawing a cake in the dirt on the floor, he blew on the dirt candles making a wish when a loud pounding rattled the door. Harry grabbed his blanket and hid in the corner.

With a crash, the door came caving in and a giant form stood in the doorway. "Sorry 'bout that," the voice boomed. "Couldn't find the doorbell." Uncle Vernon stood on the steps with a shot gun in hand. "I demand that you leave at once sir, you are breaking and entering." The giant walked over to him. "Dry up Dursley you great prune." With that Uncle Vernon pulled the trigger on;y to release a flag with the word 'bang' printed on it. Grunting in frustration, he threw the gun aside.

The giant looked behind Uncle Vernon. "Well, it's been a while since I've seen you Harry. How have you been?" he grinned. Aunt Petunia's face dropped. "I'm Harry's aunt." The giant squinted then recoiled a bit. "Sorry ma'am." Walking further into the hut, he noticed the slim figure with the blanket over his head. "Ah! There he is!" he inched closer. "Come out Harry." Harry shook his head. "I know you're Harry," with that he began to tickle him. "Stop! Stop!" Harry pleaded after a while, removing the blanket. "It's me! It's me!" he grinned, bouncing on his heels. "Thought so," the giant took out a lollipop and handed it to him. Harry unwrapped it fervently.

"Who are you?" Harry asked between licks.

"Rubeus Hagrid. Keeper of Drinks and Dangerous Creatures at Hogwarts," he smiled proudly. "Hogwarts?" Harry asked puzzled. "Sure you know all about Hogwarts," Hagrid gave him a look. "Well no...I know about regular warts..."

"No, no, no," Hagrid waved it off. "Hogwarts! It's a school of magic!" He took a breath. "Have you even made things happen? Things you couldn't explain?" he gave him a knowing look. "Well, there was this time when I saw a picture of Kate Moss..."

"No, no, no. You're a Jew Harry."

"What? I can't be a, a Jew," Harry stammered.

"What?! Of course not!" You're a wizard! Sorry, me' speech isn't that good." Hagrid noticed Dudley trying to climb the book shelf to get away. Pointing his pink lacy umbrella at the boy, he sprouted goats feet. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon screamed. "Wow! That is so ironic!" Harry stated. Hagrid took Harry out of the hut with him, handing him a letter.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

* * *

----Finally back in London and in the tube, Harry read the letter. "One standard size pewter cauldron, school robes? Hagrid, where am I going to get all this stuff?" Hagrid smiled. "Gotta know were to go." The train came to a stop and they exited onto the streets above. Walking a ways down the lane, Hagrid finally pointed at a sign ahead of them with his lace umbrella. "What is with you and that thing?" Harry asked. "It's, it's pretty," Hagrid defended. Harry turned back to the sign. At first Harry couldn't't read it, but as they got closer the sign came into focus. 'The Cauldron With a hole in It' it read. 

Upon entering, all went silent. The many faces turned to stare at them. "By Merlin! It's Harry Potter!" the bar keep said, astonished. Many wizards and witches began to crowd around him. After several minutes of shaking hands, Harry was finally out of the din. "Ha-Harry P-Potter, can't tell you how p-pleased I am to meet you."

"Ah! Professor Quirrell," Hagrid introduced.

"Professor Quirrell here teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts," Hagrid informed. "Nice to meet you," Harry held out his hand. "Really fascinating subject. N-n-not that you need it eh-eh Potter?" he gave a nervous laugh, ignoring his hand.

"Hagrid," Harry started as they went out the back of the pub.

"Yes?"

"How did my parents die?" he kicked a rock. "Well," Hagrid put his hands in his pockets. "An evil wizard named Lord Voldemort," he made a funny face and a strange squeaking noise at the mention of the name," killed them! Painted the house with them, really!" He pulled his umbrella out and tapped the brick wall, not noticing the mortified look on Harry's face.

As the bricks began to shift and fold away, a remarkable sigh was revealed. An alley way was lined with all sorts of shops lining the way. Harry stared in awe until his thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a tin lid being dropped. They turned around. A muggle garbage boy was staring blankly at the sight before him. Hagrid shifted in a what-to-do sort of way before stepping forward and giving the boy a knock on the head. He fell in a heap. Leaving the boy, they headed into the crowd. "Now before we do anything, we have to go get some money."

----Entering a white marble building, Harry was taken aback by the creatures writing and stamping documents on either side of him. "What are these things Hagrid?" Harry inquired. "Goblins. Clever little bastards, so watch out." They walked all the way to the back of the main hall where a goblin sat behind a podium. "Mr. Potter is here to make a withdraw," Hagrid informed the goblin. "And does Mr. Potter have his key?" he leaned over to inspect Harry, his nail shard teeth protruding. Sick of people staring at him, Harry made a face back. Sneering, the goblin took the key from Hagrid and led them to the vaults where a pleasant looking goblin named Griphook led them to a cart.

After several miles of twists and turns, Harry and Hagrid were finally at Harry's vault. Reaching down, they received their photo from the ride down. Sharing each photo with each other, they had their laugh then followed Griphook. "Stand back please," he inserted the key into the lock then took a step back. The door began to open and a blinding light and smoke filtered out. "Damnit!" Griphook swore, reaching around into the vault wall, flicking the light off. "I told them to stop doing that, that it's not a good dramatic effect as it's over done!" He flicked the smoke machine off as well and muted the volume on the dramatic music that was playing. Figuring out what he would need, Harry pocketed the money and followed Hagrid back into the cart.

Arriving at another vault, Hagrid informed Harry that he had some Hogwart's business he needed to attend to. The goblin held them back as he stood in front of the vault door. Outstretching his arms, he began to do the Macarana. After the third turn, the vault door swung open. Hagrid stepped inside and pocketed the very small parcel that lay inside.

----After exiting the bank, Harry went to get his cauldron. Stepping out with the purchased cauldron, Harry turned to Hagrid. "Is it just me, or was that Tommy Chong in there?" Hagrid gave a laugh. "Yes. He was extremely good at measuring organic material that they hired him right away."

Arriving at another destination on their to-do list, Harry read the sign:

'Olivanders: Since 382 B.C.'

Entering, he found the place gloomy and dusty. Looking around he was startle by a sudden movement in the darkness. "I was wondering when I would be seeing you Mr. Potter." An elderly man climb down from a track-ladder to stand before him behind the counter. "I remember when your parents came in here to get their very first wands Mr. Potter," he turned back to the many aisles and aisles of wands and began to search up and down each shelf, before grabbing a box and placing it on the counter before him. "Take it out and give it a wave," his blue eyes sparkled. Harry took it out of the box and waved at it. "No, no," Mr, Olivander, the old man, corrected. "Wave the wand."

Giving it a wave, a ripple streamed towards a cat that was happily sleeping away on a stool, and exploded it in a could of fur. Mr. Olivander looked horrified. "No, I don't think that's it," his voice chocked with tears. "Try this," he handed him another. Waving it, a jet of light shot at Mr. Olivanders' hair, turning it orange. Mr. Olivander drummed his fingers on the counter, letting out a controlled breath. "Let's try another," he took out a dark banged up box and brought it forward. "I wonder," he fingered the box. Slightly more cautiously, Harry removed the wand from it's red velvet casing. Giving it a wave, a bright light and wind swirled around him along with a round of applause.

"Interesting, very interesting," Olivander smiled.

"Sorry, but what's interesting?" Harry asked. "There was some cheering whistles in there as well," he placed the wand back in the box and rang it up.

"Harry! Harry!"

Harry turned around to see Hagrid standing outside holding up a cage with a snowy owl in it. "Happy birthday!" he beamed.

----Continuing down the alley, Harry entered a shop called 'Madame Maulkin's Robes for all Occasions (except Easter, Fraulischwinnochten and Birthdays)' Entering, he was rushed to a stepping platform by a short, brown haired witch who grabbed his other effects and placed them on the ground beside him.

Out of no where, measuring tapes began to unroll and measure him. "On your way to Hogwarts too?" a pale, blond haired boy on the next platform asked. "Yeah," Harry replied, still amazed at the moving measuring tapes. "Same here. I hope I get to Slytherin. How about you?"

"Um, I hope I get to walk in." ( Looks at reader).

Done with the measuring the short witch came back and presented hi with his robes. Paying, Harry and Hagrid made their way to King's Cross Station.

"Here's you ticket," Hagrid handed the ticket over, patted him on the back and sprinted off before Harry could ask any questions. Platform Nine and Three Quarters? He read it over and over, even wiping his glassed on his shirt. It wasn't until he heard a woman mention "muggles" (a word he heard in Diagon Alley) and decided to follow her and her kids.

"Hurry! There's not too many muggles around, we can pass through." The woman called.

They all stopped between platforms nine and ten. Looking around two of her children, two identical boys, ran at platform ten and vanished right through. "Holy-" a train whistle sounded. Approaching the woman, he asked, "Excuse me. Can you tell me how to..." he pointed at the wall. "How to cross? Of course. It's Ron's first time too." She patted the shoulder of her youngest son.

Ron was a scrawny boy, with bright red shaggy hair that hung over his eyes and his robes hung much too loose. Ushering them in front of the pillar, the woman got them ready for the count.

"Good luck," the little girl at the woman's side piped up.

She smiled at Harry. Harry smiled back them rushed through the barrier with Ron. Finally daring to open his eyes, right before him, steaming and glistening was Platform Nine and Three Quarters. And of course the rickety-rackety Hogwarts Expressive. Hogwarts Expressive? Harry studied the name. Inching closer the train grew a pair. Of eyes...

"Ah! You look like a face that was struck with that of a thousand plagues!" it claimed of Harry. Frowning and ready to give the four-ton machine what-for, the conductor called down from the window. "The engine's really a sixteenth century poet trapped. Yes, Shakespeare was mean," he closed the window.

----Boarding the train, Harry entered a compartment with the boy, Ron, sitting in it. Taking a seat across from him, he looked him over again. He was slouched in his seat, his hair covering his face. Not looking up, Ron brought up a hand with a smoking joint in it. "Uh, no thanks," Harry said. Ron just shrugged and took another hit. "So," Harry began. "Are you emo?" Ron started to laugh. Taken aback, Harry just sat there. Shaking his head, Ron took another hit and laid back.

Trying again at a conversation, Harry asked, "Say, how would you like to be my best friend? We could get into all sorts of adventures, loose tons of house points but still manage to win and maybe even save the school and a few people here and there. How does that sound?" Ron looked up. You could tell his was thinking. "Awesome," he gave the peace sign. "You want to see some magic?" he asked Harry.

"Sure."

Ron reached into his robe pocket and took out a scrawny rat and placed it on his lap. It had patches of fur missing and it's eyes were huge and bulging. "I can make him happy," Ron's voice was raspy. Taking another toke, he exhaled on the rat. At first trying to get away, the rat soon calmed down. Crawling off Ron's lap, the rat sat leaning against the seat with a huge smile on it's face. Ron laughed. "See? Magic! I'm a magic man! Good ol' Scabbers," he gave him a pat on the head.

The pleasant moment was interrupted when a brown eyed busy haired girl entered the compartment. "What did you do to that rat?" she asked, noticing Scabbers, who was now dancing in a circle with blood shot eyes. "I did some magic," Ron winked at Harry."Oh! Let's see!" the girl sounded excited. She took a seat. "I'm Hermione Granger by the way," she held out her hand to Harry. "Holy!" she exclaimed, looking at Harry. "You're Harry Potter!" Harry looked confused.

"How did you know?"

"Tons of papers follow you. I didn't know you weren't potty trained until you were five." Harry blushed. Just then the sliding door opened and a paper flew in and dropped on Harry's lap. The headline read, 'Harry Potter didn't know he was famous! Duh!' he set the paper aside. The door opened yet again, this time a plumb Gray haired witch stood there. "Anything off the trolley dears?" she asked, motioning to the cart full of candies. Ron stared at it, mouth watering. He dug through his pockets looking for money. Nothing. Harry, feeling bad, reached into his and pulled out some silver and bronze coins. "We'll take the lot." Harry looked to Ron to find him building a shrine of him out of the already consumed chocolate wrappers.

Opening the one box of chocolate that was left, Harry was astonished to find an elderly wizard staring back at him. "Oh! You got Dumbledore!" Ron mumbled, licking the chocolate from his fingers. "Who's that?" Harry asked. "The Hogwart's Headmaster." When Harry turned back he was gone! In his place was a sign that read, 'Gone fishing.'

----Arriving a few hours later, the train docked at Hogsmead Station. Stepping down off the train, first years were told to gather by a giant man. "Hagrid!" Harry greeted, smiling. Ron stared up at him. "He's as tall as my plant!" Ron remarked. Harry elbowed him. Following Hagrid, they stepped into a boat and magically they were chartered towards the school. Ron was staring at the back of the boat. "There's no driver! This is so trippy!" he kept feeling around the air, hoping to hit an invisible driver. Just then, a giant squid surfaced. Ron's mouth was drooling. "Mmm, sushi."

Lights reflecting on the water, Harry and Ron looked up to see the magnificent sight of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Soon there were docked in an underground cave and ushered in through a set of doors. Harry's first year was about to begin.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 

* * *

----Arriving in the main hall, first years waited with excited chatter and some nervous fidgeting. A teacher appeared before them. "Good evening," she greeted. Everyone fell silent. "You will now be sorted into your houses. They are: Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Slytherin." The young boy Harry had met at Madame Maulkin's began to Cabbage Patch at 'Slytherin'. A croaking noise sounded by his feet. Confused, Harry looked down. A large, brown toad sat at his feet. "Trevor!" a boy cried, picking it up and pocketing the toad. He looked around, red faced and hid back in the crowd.

The great oak doors opened and they were ushered in. The din of reunion and excitement washed over them. Gathering in front of the head table where all the teachers sat, Professor McGonnagle (the elderly teacher) placed a hat on the stool in front of them and waited. A mouth with cut stitches sewn in it opened on the hat. It sang:

"Oh I may not be pretty, but don't judge on what you see,  
I will pick you up and drown you in the deep blue sea.  
I may be old and covered in a deadly mold,  
But you'll find be as sweet as a cold.  
I have a few more lines to sing,  
And death upon you I will bring,  
If you don't listen to me.  
Gryffindor:  
Who's house is never a bore.  
Ravenclaw:  
Who's students can see now flaw  
Hufflepuff:  
They always have stores of the...earmuff...  
Slytherin:  
They do all that they must to always, always win."

The hat fell silent. They Great Hall burst into cheers. Professor McGonnagle unrolled a bit of parchment and began to read off names. "Abbot, Hannah," a red haired girl with freckles stepped forward. The hat was placed on her head. Everyone was silent. "Hufflepuff!" it shouted. The Hufflepuff table went wild. "Longbotton, Neville." The boy who had lost his toad stepped forward and took a seat. The hat was placed on his head. "Gryffindor!" The Gryffindor table roared. "Granger, Hermione." On her head, the hat debated between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw. "Gryffindor!" Several of the boys at the table brushed off the seat next to them to make room for her. Too excited to notice she took a seat next to Ron. "Malfoy, Draco," the pale haired, blond boy stepped up. The hat didn't even touch his head when it shouted, "Slytherin!" He gave a smug smile. "Potter, Harry."

Everyone fell silent and a few, students and teachers alike, leaned forward in their seats to get a better look. A paper flew by his head. 'Harry Potter is about to be sorted!' Harry pushed it away. "Hmmm, where to put you," the hat spoke to him. "Not Slytherin," Harry whispered. "Not Slytherin, eh?" it laughed. "But you would do great, and Slytherin would help you on your way!"

"Don't make me tell you again! Not Slytherin!" Harry pointed threateningly at the hat. The hat debated this for a bit before announcing, "Gryffindor!" This time the Gryffindor table went really wild. The twins Harry had met earlier got up on the table and began to do a jig and shake their backside at the other tables.

Dumbledore stood and all went quiet. "I have a few start of term announcements to make. First, the Forbidden Forest is off limits. If you couldn't guess that by it's name, especially those in Ravenclaw, what are you doing here and in that house? Second, house points will be awarded for good behavior and deeds. I don't pick favorites (Harry Potter you get fifty points) so don't expect any extra un-worked for points." With that he clapped his hands and food appeared on the tables. 

Setting into eating, one of Ron's older brothers, who introduced himself as George, began to tell him about the teachers. "You already know Professor McGonnagle and that right there," he motioned towards the teacher that was speaking rather intently to Professor Quirrell. "That's Professor Snape." As if hearing his name, Snape looked directly at him as Quirrell turned around to fox something. Harry grabbed his head, a shooting pain shot through it. Snape's deep intense eyes seemed to bore straight through him into his soul. Chicks must love that, Harry thought to himself.

----The next day Harry sat in potions class, waiting for Snape to make his entrance. The door was flung open. "There will be no foolish wand waving or silly incantations in this class," his voice was like silk. Snape folded his cape around him. He looked foreboding. Harry looked next to him to see Hermione sigh with starry eyes. He noticed that all the girls seemed to be in this state and even one guy. Pansy Parkinson even winked at him. Snape seemed not to have noticed.

Continuing by drawing back his cape to reveal black leather pants (one girl fainted), began to talk about the subtle art of potion making. Harry became to entranced by his voice that all he caught was, "Bottle fame and even put a stopped in death." Snape turned to Harry. "Mr. Potter, our new celebrity. Please remove yourself from my class. You remind me of someone who brought me great pain long ago," the girls sighed in sympathy as he strode over to the barred window with his forearm dramatically drawn to his forehead. The girls were staring daggers at him for inflicting such anguish on Snape. Harry gathered his books and took a seat right outside of the classroom door.

Magically drawing on the stone floor, he began to play hopscotch. Landing on the 'five' box, a chill ran through his leg and continued on through the rest of him. He jumped back to find himself face to torso (he was only eleven!) with a ghost! "Holy Headless Nick!" Harry exclaimed. "Thank you for that," the ghost replied sarcastically. "My name is _Sir_ Nearly Headless Nick but you may call me just that. Now if you'll excuse me," he drifted over to an axe hanging on the wall. He turned himself sideways in the air and began to ram his neck like a chunk of cheese to a cheese grater on the axe.

"Why won't you come off!" with every word he sliced towards the blade.

He was yelling at his head.

After a half an hour passed and Nearly Headless Nick now lay crumpled in the fetal position half on, half in the floor, crying. "Death is so not fair," he sobbed. "It's so wonderful yet so..." he broke down. When class let out, all the girls and the on guy came out smoking a cigarette. Hermione plopped down beside him. "Oh what a man," she took a long drag and puffed out a ring of smoke.

----Sitting in the Great Hall for lunch; Harry, Ron and Hermione were watching Semus's feeble attempts to turn his water into rum. "Semus, you've already had six glasses," Hermione tried to reason. "But I want more!" he slurred. They rolled their eyes. A din of screeches echoed throughout the Great Hall as hundreds of owls flew in with the mail. Ron's pathetic excuse for an owl made a crash land into a bowl of chips. Laughter sounded from the Slytherin table. "Ha ha! I making fun of you for something that you have no control over and wished didn't happen!" Draco Malfoy taunted, only to put thought into what he said and go back to eating.

Hermione took the paper from her owl's leg and placed a silver coin in the pouch. "What are you paying it for?!" Ron cried, grabbing a fork. "Just kill it!" he raised his fork but Hermione beat him senseless (which didn't take too long). Unfurling the paper, Hermione cried out in shock. "Woah! Gringotts was broken into last night!" Harry glanced over and noticed the vault number. It was the one that belonged to Hogwarts! "Holy irony Batman!" Harry exclaimed, earning confused glances. He just shrugged. "Hagrid and I were just there the other day when I was getting my school supplies. He took out a small package." Before anymore could be said, the bell rang. They headed out to the courtyard for flying lessons.

----"Harry! Harry!" Neville came running up to him. "Look what I've got!" he held out a small glass ball. "Cool! What is it?" Harry asked. Neville paused. "I forgot." The ball began to fill with red smoke. "Wait! I think I know," the red smoke began to dissipate. "Wait, no," it filled again. "No! I know!" the smoke cleared. "No, I forgot," the ball began to shake as if angered, red smoke filling it until it exploded. Neville looked sad. "I'll always remember'all we've been though. Wait! That's it! It's a Remberall!" The shattered pieces of the ball exploded once again as if giving up on he hopeless child.

Arriving at the main court yard, Slytherin and Gryffindor first years ran excitedly when they saw the brooms laying on the ground. "Yeah, yeah. Take a broom," their instructor said, coming out onto the field, taking a swig from a boot flask. "Um, Professor, are you drinking?" Draco Malfoy inquired. "No, I'm dancing, what the hell do you think I'm doing?" she took another healthy swig. "Why do you think they call me Madame Hooch?" she laughed, then paused. "Or do you think it's because it's close to hoot which is what an owl does and they fly and that's what I teach...Ah, who can tell. So many of our names come from different things; for instance you name Mr. Malfoy comes from 'Draco' the dragon constellation and 'Malfoy' comes from the French meaning 'bad faith'." Everyone shifted in their spot, not knowing what to do. After a few moments she snapped out of it and began to instruct. "Place your right hand over the handle and say firmly 'up!'" The students did as they were told.

Taking another sip, Madame Hooch passed out on the ground. They all just stood there, not quite sure how to react. She shot up. "Kick off gently from the ground, hover for a while then come down," she passed back out. Harry did as instructed and right away flew around as if it were second nature. Ron's flew up and began to beat him incisively over the head until he began to run; the broom taking off after him. Hermione's just flopped around. Touching back down, Harry looked up in time to see Neville's broom shaking him all around before taking off with his screaming to stop.

The broom began bouncing off the castle walls. "Talking about bouncing off the walls," Ron laughed but took off again as his broom came back at him. Madame Hooch propped herself up on her elbows in time to see Neville get hung on a spear. She began to laugh. "Look! A human shis-kabob!" Neville dropped to hang by a torch sconce. "Hey kids! It's a Piñata!" she laughed even harder, some of the Slytherins joining in. Neville fell to the ground. "Shit," she slurred, getting up to help the boy. Using herself as a crutch, she helped Neville up and towards the castle. "Did anyone film that?" she whispered, leaning into Harry. He shook his head. "Oh, too bad. That would have done great on YouTube," she laughed. Entering the school, the class broke into conversation.

"Maybe if he'd given this a squeeze, he'd remember to fall on his fat ass," Draco laughed. "How did you get that? It shattered." Hermione spoke up. Draco looked at the ball. "Um, magic? Hey Potter!" Draco called, mounting his broom and hovering in the air.

"Fetch!"

Harry took off, tongue lolling about. Catching the ball, he also caught the eyes of Professor McGonnagle through her office window. Harry soared back to the group and landed, where he began to sniff around for a place to burry the ball. Finding a spot, he ran back over to Ron and Hermione who scratched behind his ears. Ron tossed him a treat. Licking his hand, Professor McGonnagle came out onto the field. "Harry Potter. Follow me please." The class 'ooed' and laughed as he was escorted up to the school.

----Leading him down the halls, she stopped to open a classroom door. Professor Quirrell was at the head of the class, holding a rather large iguana. "Excuse me professor, but may I borrow wood for a moment?" "S-sure," he stuttered." A tall rather good looking boy got up from his seat and came to the door, handing her a pile of wood. "Thank you," she took the pile. She closed the door. "I'm all out in my office." Just as the door was closing, neither noticed the iguana engulf Professor Quirrell's head and the students rushing forward to held and he screamed and flailed his arms about.

Heading to another class, McGonnagle took out a tall, dark haired boy into the hall. "Wood, I've found you a seeker!" she exclaimed.

"A what?" he asked.

"A seeker. Quidditch?"

"Oh!" he slapped himself on the forehead. "Dummy! Welcome to the Gryffindor Quidditch team," he held out a hand. Harry shook it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

* * *

----Halloween had sprung up fast. The halls were decorated with red and orange maple leaves and to Harry's horror; ghosts were flying all around! Every time one would fly by he would let out a shriek and hide his face in his hands. 

Fred and George (the Weasley twins) were super apt at letting Dungbombs off in the halls, much to Filch (the caretaker's) annoyance, therefore the whole placed smelled like; well let's just face it...dung!

Harry, Ron and Hermione were all sitting in the Great Hall when the hoots and screeches of thousands of owls sounded through out. Hedwig came about Harry and dropped a package and droppings in front of him. "Yuck!" stated Ron. "I'll take care of it," Hermione chimed in. "_Cleanus Uppum,_" she made a scrubbing motion with her wand over the mess.

"Thanks."

"I wonder what it is?" he fingered the broom shaped wrapping with the broom bristles sticking out at the end. Harry went to open the package, with Ron's help. As soon as Ron reached over, Harry chided him. "Hey! When it's Christmas time, do your brothers help you open your gifts? Shoo, shoo," he dusted at his hand. Ron's eyes filled with tears. Harry shifted uncomfortably, but kept his eyes his package (heh). "You think of me as a brother?" Ron mumbled.

"What?" Harry looked up.

"I mean, I've never really had a brother before," he sniffed.

"Don't you have five?" Harry asked.

Ron looked up as if seeing his brain. "Oh yeah..." Harry went back to opening his gift. "Woah! A broom! Who would have though, eh?" He stood up, holding to broom out.

"That's not just any broom Harry! That's a Cumulus One-Thousand!" Ron went to take it. Harry placed his hand over Ron's. Ron looked up, placing his other hand about Harry's. Harry took his other hand and placed it over until they were racing to the top. When the reached the top, Ron's hand was on top. "Yes!" Ron cheered. Harry's face turned red, the he violently pulled the top of the broom towards him, causing the bottem to fly out and his Ron in the nuts. Ron winced, then sat on the cold stone floor.

Running out to the courtyard, Harry mounted his broom. "The handle's nice and sleek!" Harry remarked. "Yeah, you probably like those _sleek handles_," Ron hobbled over to them. A rugged, drawling voice called out to them.

"Harry Potter."

It was Professor Snape.

"Yes?" Harry asked.

"I'll be taking this book from you," he held up 'Quidditch Thourgh the Ages' in his hand.

Harry just stared; astonished. "How did you get that, and why?" he asked. Snape eyed the book, then shrugged and walked away. "What the hell?!" Harry exclaimed. "This place is so messed up! I don't even know how half this stuff happend and even Magical Reasoning can't explain half of this!" Harry threw his broom to the ground. The broom sprang back and began to beat him.

"You have to treat brooms and all magical creatures with care Harry!" Hermione scolded. "It can come back to get you or someone you really care about." Harry managed to restrain the broom and walked back into the school.

----Later than day, Harry found himself in the Quidditch locker rooms going over game plans with Wood.

"Right. Now this is what we're going to do everyone," he flipped the chalkboard over, reavealing a mix of scribbles of white chalk. "Our two Beaters are going to take their club and beat Harry over the head with it and the Chasers are going to try and knock me off my broom--" he paused. "Wait," he peered at the bottom of the board where a name was written. "We've got the wrong borad. This is Slytherins."

(Meanwhile, the Slytherins were sitting in their locker room, looking in disgust at a game plan. "Hugs after a goal is scored? Group huddle and songs of friendship at the end?!" Marcus Flint's eye twitched. He looked at the bottom. 'Hufflepuff'.)

(The Hufflepuff Quidditch team was sitting in their common room, going over game plans. "Player number '15th letter in the alphabet minus 5 times 2' takes the Quaffle and'--what the beep is this?! Ravenclaws?!")

(The Ravenclaws were looking over the Gryffindor plays. "'After a goal is scored, raise your arms in triumph and take form with the others the form of a lion and roar..." the captain shook her head.)

About to go out on the pitch, Wood spoke to Harry. "Don't worry. I myself have been knocked off my broom pleantly of times and I'm fine!" his head and eye twitched. Harry gulped.

Entering the stadium, they were greeted by hundreds cheering. They stood in front of Madame Hooch (who was drunk of hooch) and waited to be released into the air along with the Quaffle. Mounting their brooms, and at her whistle they shoved off into the air. The Quaffle was released, followed by the Bludgers and Snitch.

Fred and George's friend Lee Jordan was commentating on the match. "So, Slytherin sucks and Gryffindor's going to win. Blah, blah, blah..."

Watching the match, Harry's broom suddenly lurched. He grabbed tighter to keep from falling. Before he could do anymore, his broom began to shake violently, jerking him around high in the air. "Woah!" Harry did a sloth-roll, avoiding a bludger that was sent his way.

--In the stands, Ron, Hermion, and Hagrid stood watching the scene play out before them. "I think someone's jinxing his broom!" Hermione stated. "No shit!" Ron said. Hermione scanned the crowd when she came upon Professor Snape, staring intently at the broom, muttering something under his breath. "It's Snape!" she tugged on Ron's arm, pointing.

"It can't be," Hagrid said. "Snape is a Hogwarts teacher."

Hermione made a mad dash out of their section of seating and went towards Snape's. Climbing up the stairs and slightly winded. Hermione took out her wand and muttered an incantation. Snape's robes caught on fire and she ran out of there. It was only a few moments before people sitting by smelled the smoke and began to stamp out the fire.

Hermione climbed back into her seat. "I didn't mean to catch his robes on fire!"

Harry's broom came to a sudden halt when Snape became preoccupied with his robes. Quirrel, who sat just in front of Snape, was knocked over. Harry's broom came to a halt so fast that that almost tossed his from it. Harry took a deep breath and continued on.

He hovered slightly above the match, looking for the Snitch. He was so caught up that he almost didn't feel the slight tapping of the Snitch at his right temple. Out of the corner of his eye he caught the gleaming gold of it. He took off after it. It make squeeky laughing noises and formed a tongue to stick out at him. It almost ran into a stand. "Woah!" it squeeked. Harry looked ot his left to see the Slytherin Seeker coming up fast.

Pushing his broom further down, he was almost verticle with the ground. One last drastic move, he leaned forward to grab the ball only to flip and tumble hard on the ground. The stadium gasped.

"I think he's going to be sick," Hagrid remarked, noticing Harry gaging. Harry began to turn purple and pointed frantically at his throat. He began to convulse when he managed to slam up against a stand support beam, dislodging the object from his throat. The Snitch popped out into his hand.

"Harry Potter's caught the Snitch!" Lee shouted. The Gryffindors went wild. Exiting the stadium, the Slytherin's walked by the Hufflepuff section of stands.

"Good job!"

"Excellent work!"

"Good try!"

The Slytherins flipped them off.

----The Gryffindor common room was full of partying students. Not knowing how, Harry heard a knock on the Fat Lady's portrait. She must not like that. Harry, Ron and Hermione went to answer. Hagrid stood there, teetering and obviously drunk. "Package, Nicholas Flamel, shhhh..." he let out a giggle then passed out. The three looked at eachother.

"I feel like going for a walk," Hermione suggested. They stepped out and over Hagrid, who was now snoring so luad mortor was crumbling from the ceiling above. Dusting were falling into his wide open mouth.

Zig-zagging through out the school halls, they ran into Mrs. Norris, Filch's cat. "Shoo!" Hermione hissed. The cat stood there, staring. She tucked her head into he shoulder and whispered something. "I'll be right there!" they heard Filch's voice respond. "She has a transcommunicator!" Ron said. The three took off, only moments before Flich showed up. "Where are they?!" he asked Mrs. Norris. "They took off because of your slow limping ass!" she hissed, pointing his in the direction they just took off in.

----Sensing Filch close behind the three mad a quick descision to enter a random door. Flich ran by, not noticing. Ron looked around, gaping. "I know where we are. This is the third floor!"

"But we're not allowed here!" Hermione said.

"Not shit! But here we are!" Ron retorted. They heard Filch coming back and they took off down the hall. They came to a locked door at the end of the hall. "What are we going to do now?" Harry cried. "Oh, move aside," Hermione took out her wand. "Alohamora." There was a resounding click as the door unlocked. They stepped inside.

"Man it smells in here!" Ron said, breathing through his robes. He looked around, then let out a winmper. "What?" Harry asked. His eyes follwed Ron's. "Oh my--" a low rumbling growl filtered though out the room.

"AHHHH!"

They all screamed in unison and ran back out the door, past a confused Filch who couldn't get a good enough look at their faces and back to the common room. When they saw that they were all alone Ron spoke first. "What was that thing?!"

"It was a dog of some sort," said Hermione. "Did you see what it was guarding?" she asked.

"It was a bit occupied with it's head! In case you didn't notice, it had three!"

"It was standing on a trap door! Harry, go get your Invisibility Cloak and go to the Library and look up Nicholas Flamel."

"How do you know..."

"I just know everything, ok?!"


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

* * *

"Ok, now we need to split up here and look for any book dealing with Nicholas Flammel or Alchemy," Hermione instructed. 

Ron, Harry were awoken early on Saturday morning, much to their annoyance by Hermione tickling them with a feather.

"C'mon Hermione," Ron grunted. "It's seven o'clock in the morning. Do you really expect..." he was cut off by her glare. He yawned and flopped his head down on the table.

Hermione moved over to-wards the Restricted Section and peered in, hoping she cold see something useful from her stand point; (you needed a teacher's note to get in the Restricted Section). "Oh, it's no use. All the book titles are worn and faded or too small to read from here," she flopped down next to them at the table. "Harry, you have that invisibility cloak right?" she whispered. "Harry looked confused.

"I have a what?"

"An invisibility cloak! I trip over that damn thing every time I come into your dormitory at night to watch-" she stopped. Harry looked slightly awkward. She cleared her throat. "The point is you need to use it tonight and sneak back here into the Restricted Section."

"Why don't we just get a teacher's note?" he asked. "Say we're using it to look for things that don't concern us," he smiled.

Ron looked up. "Harry, repeat that to yourself in your head. If you don't see reasoning let me know and I'll punch you," he flopped back down.

Harry looked up as if seeing into his head.

"I don't get it."

Ron's arm shot out and his fist connected with his face. Harry flew back onto the floor. Madame Prince came over, her beak like nose protruding over them. "What's going on in my library?!" she yelled.

"Shhh, quiet in the library," Harry scolded.

Her face turned red.

"Yeah," Ron came in. "Plus, shouldn't't't you be guarding a pile of Fruit Loops or something?" Madame Prince walked away, indignant.

----Later that night, Harry pulled on the invisibility cloak Hermione had found out for him. Sneaking out the Gryffindor entrance he turned to the Fat Lady. "Have you tried the South Beach diet?" he asked. "It's supposed to really work," with that he headed to-wards the library.

--Madame Prince was long gone and everything was immaculate once again.

Opening the Restricted Section doors, her walked along the shelves, trailing a hand over the spines, looking for any sign of the Nicholas Flammel subject. He drew his hand suddenly back. A book had bitten him!

He punched the book.

As he continued to walk on, the book punched him back. He thought he found something when Mrs. Norris came around corner and meowed. How could she see him? Harry slid around the corner into another aisle.

She followed.

He cursed.

Making a run for it, he left just in time to hear Filch enter.

"Is there anyone here, my sweet?"

Harry rounded a shadowed corner in the hall when he almost ran into two objects. One was Professor Quirrell who was being choked and pinned against the wall by Professor Snape.

"Now would you care to explain what you were doing there?" Snape's voice drawled.

Quirrell was stammering.

"Speak!" Snape shouted.

Harry approached slowly towards Snape. "He can't, you're choking him," Harry whispered. Snape glanced around. He let his grip loosen on a now purple Quirrell. "We'll continue this later." He drew his cape around himself and threw down a smoke pellet. Harry saw his round a corner and was gone. Deciding not to stay where he was much longer, he went in to an abandoned classroom.

----The room was dusty. It looked like it would have made a great Defense Against the Dark Things room. Harry stepped out from behind a stone column to gaze upon a mirror placed in the center of the room. Slowly he walked over towards it.

As he gazed in, two figures appeared. One was a red headed woman and another a man that bore a striking resemblance to Harry. The only thing was he had the woman's eyes. Harry placed them back in her sockets.

"Mum? Dad?" he asked.

The figured looked confused, the shook their heads.

"It's me, Harry."

This time they smiled and nodded. Harry gasped and ran from the room.

--Racing back up into the Gryffindor Common Room he raced to the sleeping chambers.

"Ron! Ron! You've got to see this! It's my parents! I found my parents! They're in a mirror!"

Ron stirred. "Sure. And there's a hidden chamber in this school with a giant snake." He fell back to sleep.

Harry shook him again. "No! I'm serious!"

Ron sat up. "How do you know that when I get there I'm not going to see what's deep in my heart?"

"I just know!" he grabbed Ron by the arm and dragged his towards the room.

Once there, Ron stood on front of the mirror. After a few minutes, Ron smiled and laughed. "Yeah!" The mirror was swirling in psychedelic colors, with neon mushrooms and VW vans swirling all around; in the background The Beatles' 'Lucky in the Sky with Diamonds' was playing.

"You see?!" Harry said. "That there is my mom and that's my dad," he pointed on the mirror.

"Unless your mom was a neon mushroom and your dad a dancing leprechaun, that's not them," he started to groove with the music.

When he started doing the peace sign headband, Harry pushed him out of the way and told him to go back to bed.

--For hours, Harry sat in from on the mirror, gazing at his parents. His parents shifted uncomfortably in the mirror, checking their watches.

"Back again?"

Harry turned, startled. Dumbledore was standing right behind him.

"I see that you, like so many others before yourself, have discovered the delights of the Mirror of Desire Spelled Backwards," he smiled.

Harry turned back towards the mirror. His parents were making a mad dash into the distance. Dumbledore took a seat next to Harry.

"It shows you what you're heart most desires. You Harry would see your parents, because you've wanted nothing more than to be with them all your life," he patted him on the back.

"What do you see?" Harry asked.

Dumbledore smiled and began rubbing his back. "I see myself uhhh…holding a pair of…ummm, socks. Yeah. Wool socks…" he got up. "You better get back to Gryffindor Tower. I'll make sure no one catches you."

----"Ugh! I forgot I checked this out weeks ago!" Hermione said, dropping an at least seven hundred pages book. "I check it out weeks ago for a bit of light reading."

"That's about the only thing light about her," Ron whispered to Harry.

Hermione shot him a glance.

Ron slunk down.

"Here," she said, pointing to a passage, beginning to read. "'Nicholas Flammel is the only known maker of a certain stone that it said o bring great pain but also great fortune. It has brought so much wealth to Nicholas and his wife Pernell, that they have been able to buy another stone that has been keeping them alive for the past four hundred and fifty years!'" She closed the book. Clouds of dust billowed out. Ron and Harry stared at her.

"You know, you should take it as a hint that you have a sad life when all you read is dusty books. That means no one else reads them," Harry said. Ron laughed.

"When we came across that dog, that was what he was guarding. He's guarding the stone!" Hermione exclaimed.

"We should go see Hagrid about this. Maybe he can help." Ron suggested.

"You know, I think that's about the most intelligent thing I've ever heard you say," Hermione stated.

--At Hagrid's hut they were offered hot tea and rather hard biscuits. Ron bit into one and almost lost a tooth. As he talked, he nursed his sore tooth. "So we were wondering if you could help us with something," Ron said. Hagrid stopped to give his his attention. "And what with?"

"We heard that there's a stone that can bring great pain but also great fortune," Hermione broke in.

Hagrid stopped in his tracks. "How did you find out about that?" he asked, shakily.

"It was in a book I was reading," Hermione explained. "We think that Snape is after it."

"Why would you think that?!" he exclaimed.

"Just because," Ron said.

"Well I can tell you that it would be really stupid to do anything about it. No matter how many surprise House Points you may get." The kettle behind Hagrid began to rattle. Hermione peered into the flames.

"Umm, Hagrid; what's that?" she pointed. Hagrid turned and shifted uncomfortably. "Uh, that's uh..."

"I know what that is!" Ron exclaimed. "It's a dragon egg! My brother Charlie raises them in Romania." As Hagrid turned back, Ron quickly reached up into the rafters of the hut and pulled down some of the many herbal leaves. He began to smell each bunch before pocketing a rather decent sized clump of a five leafed plant.

Hagrid removed the egg from the hearth and placed it on the table. "It's a Norwegian Ridgeback. I got it from a fella in a pub. I told his I wanted one and he pulled it out of...Well what matters is that I got it," he beamed at the egg like a mother to her baby. The egg began to shake and crack.

"It's hatching!" Hagrid cried, clapping.

Within seconds a baby dragon was squirming on the table, making little cooing noises. "Awww! Look at 'im! Ain't 'e cute?!" Hagrid began to stroke it on the back. It turned to him; before Hagrid could move out of the way, a small jet of flames shot his way. He patted his beard to put out the flames.

"Hagrid! Tell us how to get past the three headed dog!"

"Yeah, Hagrid!"

"Please! C'mon!"

"Hagrid!" they began to do circles around him poking and saying 'please' over and over.

"All right!" Hagrid reached his breaking point.

"Just play him some music!"

As they went to leave, he amended, "But don't go doing it."

"Ok...we won't..."

"Yeah...we promise..."


	6. Chapter 6

----As the trio entered back into Hogwarts, they came upon Draco Malfoy standing next to Professor McGonagall; Draco looking very smug and McGonagall very cross. "A dragon hatching?"

"Are you out of your mind?!" Professor McGonnagall began when they were out of earshot in her classroom.

"Traipsing around the school grounds as if you own it, no less in the middle of the night! Not everything in the Forbidden Forest stays there. Things roam about at night. Plus being involved with a dragon hatching?!" She sat behind her desk. "That is why all four of you will be recieving detentions."

Draco's smile faded. "Four, Professor?"

"Yes, Mr. Malfoy. Four. You too were out on the grounds. Plus I wouldn't advise you to pretend not to hear me right again. I may be old but I can still kick your ass."

----The four were lead onto the grounds later the next day by the Caretaker, Argus Filch.

"God I miss the good old days. You could string the students up by their ankles and whip them and put them in binding and..." he cut off when he realized that the four were slowly shifting away from him.

"Ah, Hagrid," Filch greeted.

Hagrid sniffed.

"Good God man, you're still not on about the dragon are you?"

Hagrid looked up, tears beading his bristly face.

"They took him last night. E's goin' with yer brother Ron, so I know he'll be in good 'ands but you know...He was like me own."

"Enough of this soft, belly up foolishness. On with the detentions man!"

----Entering the woods, the four trembled. The wind was sweeping through the trees and the moon was under heavy cloud cover. Fang, Hagrid's Boarhound, was right along with them, Draco clutching the leash with dead man's knuckles.

A howl sounded.

"Zoinks!" shreiked Fang, hopping into Draco's arms.

"Like, shouldn't we be getting out of here, man?" Draco's voice was uncharacteristacly raspy, his knees trembeling.

"Just calm down gang," Hagrid reassured.

"Hey let's split up. The girls and I will head this way--"

"I know, and Scooby and me will head the other way," Draco finished.

"Scooby?" they said in unison.

Draco shrugged.

"Ummm. Hagrid, shouldn't I head with Draco, you know in keeping with a certain story? That way when something happens with some noun and another noun comes along to do some verb and the one noun adjetives away?" Harry suggested.

Hagrid paused for thought. "Yeah, yer right."

--Draco and Harry set off on their own deeper into the forest. "Wait untill my father hears about this! He'll be outrage! Affronted! Appaled! This is an atrocity--!"

"Dude!" Harry interrupted. "Do you have a freakin' thesaurus in your pocket?!"

Suddenly, Harry withdrew his foot up. "Yuck!" he said, looking at what he stepped in on the ground. It was a light purple, metallic, gooey substance.

"That's Unicorn blood," Draco said. "And look," he pointed to the path ahead.

Along the path he was pointing were trails of blood, occasionaly pooling in places.

The two followed the blood further they came across the bleeding Unicorn. But that wasn't all.

Feasting upon the neck was a dark, hooded figure.

They screamed.

The figure turned sharply in their direction. Giving a slime coated smile, it rose to float just aove the ground.

Draco and Fang ran off, but as Harry went he tripped and got stuck on a tree's protruding roots. The figure glided closer. Harry franticaly grabbed at his stuck trousers. The figure was only feet away.

"Wait!" Harry put his hand out. The figure stopped.

"I'm stuck here, can you help?" The figure looked around, confused.

"No, not over there, down here," he pointed.

The figure stretched a hand down and began working the fabric free. As soon as he was free and galloping noise came towards them followed by massive hooves slashing at the creature. Perturbed, the creature took off into the night.

Harry looked up to see a strange creature standing before him. "What was that? What are you?"

The creature smiled. "That was something that you'll find out about later. I am a Centaur. Please, call me Friends, like the TV show."

"I've never met a Centaur before," Harry stated. "Can't you guys read the stars?"

"Yes," he replied, turning to the heavens. "The stars say for you that you're going to become a super nova with a mini black hole by your side."

Harry shifted, looking for an exit. "Well, it's been swell talking to you, but...I gotta go!" he took off running.

--"Hagrid!" Harry called, breathlessly.

"Right here in fromt of you, silly."

Harry looked up. "How the hell did I miss you? Anyway, I saw some weird hooded figure and it was nice enough to get me free then try to kill me, but the really creepy thing was I ran into this other creature that was half man and horse!"

"A hooded figure?"

"Did you even hear me?! Half man half _horse_! That defies all scientific natures!"

"We'd better get back to the castle," Hagrid ushered them in front of him.

"Does no one listen?" Harry followed.

----Later the next day, Harry, Ron and Hermione sat in the Gryffindor common room talking.

"Hooded figure?" Hermione pried.

"Yes, and it came right at me," Harry shivered. "Man, it's cold in here."

"Then we know who it was then!" Ron jumped up. "It was Snape!"

"Yeah! You know what that mean," Harry said.

"We have to go through the trap door and stop Snape from getting that thing down there!"


	7. Chapter 7

----It was late at night when all were sleeping when Harry, Ron and Hermione set off for the trap door. Almost out of the common room they were stopped. Neville Longbottom was still up and now trying to stop them from leaving. "You can't do this!" he cried. "You'll loose us more points!"

"I'm really sorry Neville," Hermione took out her wand. "_Pissoff_!" Neville froze in place and collapsed.

"Ow! You're stepping on my foot Ron!" Hermione complained.

"Well they're kinda hard to miss, Bozo!"

Continuing down the halls they had to press against the walls a few times to avoid Filch or a prying Mrs. Norris.

"Here we are," Hermione took out her wand and the door.

"_Open Sezame_," the door swung open.

They entered to hear a pleasant tune being played. "Oh no! Snape's already been here!" They hurried to move Fluffy's paw off the door. The dog was snoring loudly and it's breath reeked. The door squeeked open. "Right, so who's going down first?" Hermione asked, peering down in the dark, bottomless pit.

Something slimy and wet dripped down Ron's shoulder.

"Oh yuck!" he cried, wiping it off.

"Uh, Ron," Harry pointed up.

Fluffy had woken up.

"AHH!" They screamed, each trying to jump into the hole at once. They fell through, just missing the beast's teeth.

--They landed on something smooth and cold.

"What is this?" Ron said, feeling around.

"It's Devil's Snare," Hermione informed.

"Ah! It's moving!" Ron cried. The plant was wrapping it's way around Ron's neck and legs.

"Just relax!" Hermione advised.

"Relax?! The thing is trying kill me and you tell me to relax?!" Ron screamed, incredulous.

"If you don't relax, it'll only kill you faster!" Hermione asvised.

"Oh sure! Now I can relax!" he began tugging and pulling at the vines.

Hermione rolled her eyes and sunk through.

"Just relax!" she called up.

"Hermione?" Ron and Harry asked in unison.

Harry started to do so, but Ron reached over and began tugging at him too. "No, Harry! We have to break though!" Harry pushed him off and, he too, fell through.

Standing next to Hermione, he looked up and studied the panicked form of Ron. "I have an idea," she took out her wand. Pointing it at the plant, she shot a jet of bright blue light. The plant goraned and retracted back into the walls. Ron fell through with a thud.

"Whew, lucky we didn't panic," he said, brushing himself off.

Harry just stared at him before punching him flat in the face. "You tried to take me down with you! Is your whole head baked?!"

They began to argue when Hermione silenced them and leaned an ear to the sound of many things fluttering. She motion them on. A little further along they came upon thousands of tiny little keys flying all around. "One of them fits that door," Harry observed, looking for the one that could be it. He soon noticed one with a crumbled, damage wing. "Found it."

He looked around for a way to reach it when he noticed the broom. Going over to it, he went to mount it. The keys began to violently swarm all around.

"Well that complicates things a bit," Ron said.

"Ya think?!" Harry shot him a look before taking off.

Hundreds of the keys began hitting him in the face. They felt like bee stings! Catching a glimps of the injured key, Harry took off after it. It only took a few seconds before he held it tightly in his grasp. Landing he turned to find several of the keys on the ground panting, some even held inhailers. Turning the key in the door, the three stepped through.

They were greeted by a line of flames just beyound a table which held several phials of different colored liquid. Hermione went over a picked up a piece of paper that was laying on the table.

"It's a riddle," she said.

As she was reading it aloud, Ron stepped forward and began downing the contents of the phials.

"What are you doing?!" Hermione cried.

"One of them is going to help Harry get through the fire. So I'm drinking them one by one and sticking my hand in the fire to see when it doesn't burn like a bitch anymore," he finished, downing another.

"That's dangerous though!" Hermione cautioned.

"Please, I've drank so many of Snape's potions in class I can't even remember them all! Come to think of it...I can't remember much anymore...Who are you?"

"Oh, just keep going!"

Soon Ron found the one. "This is it!" he said, handing it to Harry.

Harry took a sip then handed it to Hermione. They all stepped through.

"Oh no!" cried Hermione. "Chess!"

"Sweet! Someone tell me I'm not hallucinating this! Though I do have a feeling I am hallucinating the little people on the backs of the knights though right?" Ron ran out onto the playing board.

"We have to take the place of the missing pieces," he informed when he noticed them missing.

"Harry, you be Bishop; Hermione: Queen; and I'll be a Knight."

As soon as they took their place, the game started. White went first.

Ron was calling all the shots. He was down only four to White's six.

Soon, White's queen was left open. Ron sent the other Bishop after her. The Bishop glided forward. Coming to a stop infront of the Queen, he grabbed her by the hair and began kneeing her in the face befre swinging her, screaming, off the the board. When it came down the the end, Ron told them what he must do. "I must sacrafice myself. It's the only way."

"Ron, you can't!" Hermione protested.

"I have to," with that he sent himself forward into the path of the White King. Unsheathing his sword, the King plunged it into the Knight's side. Ron fell to the ground, knocked unconcious. Harry looked around the realized what he must do. He was right in line with the King. Stepping forward two paces he check-mated the King. The King's sword fell to the ground. They had won.

Harry and Hermione ran to Ron's side. "I'll stay here with him," Hermione said. Harry nodded and went to cross the board. As he was about to go through the door on the other side, he looked back at his friends. Sad, dramatic music began to play. These were his friends who had been with him through thick and thin, fun times and difficult times, sad times and happy times, test times and no-test times, feat times and no-feat times--

"Alright already!" Harry called up.

Summoning up all his couage, he flung open the door, ready to meet whatever would befall him.

"I know you're here Snape!" Harry shouted. "Show yourself!"

"Snape?" a hissing voice replied. It began to laugh.

"Professor Quirrell?" Harry asked, puzzled. The turbined teacher was standing in front of the Mirror of Desire Spelled Backwards.

"Yes, I was the most unlikely person in this whole plot, that's why I'm here."

"So I just have to face you? Alone?"

"No, not alone. I'm never alone."

Harry looked around.

"So...am I suposed to be seeing someone else...or..."

Quirrell began unwrapping the turbin. When all was done, it fell to the floor, revealing the most horrid face Harry had ever seen.

"Woah! You should get that checked out! I know this really good plastic surgeon and--"

"Enough boy!" the face yelled.

Harry bit his cheeks to supress a laugh. "It talks too? Does Ripley's know about you?"

"What me to take care of him, Master?" Quirrell asked.

"Master?!" Harry laughed. "You mean to tell me a parasite has you bitch-whipped?!" he fell to the ground laughing.

"Get over here!" Quirrell shouted, using magic to drag him infront of the mirror.

"Get the stone out of the mirror!" he demanded. Harry stared at it. "I'm no Criss Angel! How the hell am I suposed to do that?" he was smacked across the face. Harry concentrated. To his disbelief, he saw him self in the mirror, face contorted as in pain. He looked closer. The mirrored Harry reached onto the floor and picked up the smalled stong Harry had even seen. The mirror Harry placed it in his pocket. The present Harry felt something picky in his own. Slowly reaching into it, he found the stone.

"A kidney stone?!" Quirrell cried.

"Yes," the hissing voice said. "Since I am all that is pain, this is the way that can bring me back to life! Now, quicky! Kill the boy! We have no use for him anymore!"

Quirrell took out his wand and as he came close to Harry, Harry slapped him across the face. "No!"

Quirrell recoiled. "What is this Master?!" he cried as his face began to burn. There was a perfect hand print on where Harry had slapped him. "Fool! Don't let him touch you!" Quirrell went to attack again, but Harry hugged him around the head.

"Ahhh!" Quirrell screamed in pain.

Harry mentled down around him as if he were flame to wax. Soon there was nothing more of his once teacher than a pile of ashes. Harry turned back to the stone and picked it up. "Groose..."

A breeze blew around him and he turned to find himself face to face with a dust for of the man on the back of Quirrell's head. With a force that knocked Harry to the ground, it went through him, saping all energy and conciousness.

Harry lay on the ground, barely alive.

Seconds later, Dumbledore and his posse showed up. "Diddy, if you could take Mr. Potter to the Hospital Wing that be ballin'. Fiddy, thanks dawg for comin'. Too bad we weren't earlier, I would'a popped a cap in someone's ass, you know what I'm sayin'?"

"Yeah dawg, I do. You one tough G, man," Fiddy clapped his hand and snapped.

----Hours later Harry awoke in the Hospital Wing, surrounded by flowers and assoted sweets.

"Good morning," Dumbledore greeted.

Harry sat up and put on his glasses. "What happened?" he asked. "You finally encountered Voldemort. Well...the embodiment of Voldemort," Dumbledore explained. "His spirit passed through you."

"So you're saying that Voldemort went through me? Dude! He totaly raped my oragans! Ew!" He began brushing his chest off and arms. "I feel so violated!"

Dumbledore laughed.

"This isn't funny! I'm scared for life! Well, again!"

--It was supper time before Madame Pomfrey let Harry out of the Hospital Wing to join the rest of the school for a meal. Harry entered the Great Hall and everyone looked up to see him. Cheers errupted from the Gryffindor table and a few claps from others. Red as he'd ever been, he took a seat next to Ron and Hermione.

Dumbledore took a stand infront of the podium to address the school. "Now as you know, this is the time when I announce the house points and who won. But due to certain last minute events there a some points that need to be awarded.

Everyone at the Slytherin table looked around in disbelief. It was their colors and banners that decorated the hall because they had won.

"A hundred points are to be rewarded to Mr. Harry Potter for reasons that he, and I'm sure all of you, now all know." Gryffindor's broke out in cheers.

"Fifty points to Miss Hermione Granger for her cool use of intellect. Fifty points to Mr. Ronald Weasley for the best game of chess Hogwarts has ever seen. Ten points to Mr. Neville Longbottom for standing up to friends."

Harry heard Draco mutter 'I stand up to my friends all the time!'

"We're only five points behind Slytherin!" Hermione cried.

"Finally, another six points to Mr. Haryr Potter for..." he coughed and muttered the last part. It sounded like her said 'because you're my favorite' but he couldn't really tell.

So that was it of Harry's first year. The next day he was all packed and ready to go back to the dreadful Dursleys. But in only a few months time he would be back to school. Because only fictional characters are actually excited to go back to school.

Fin


End file.
